(upbeat music plays) (reel clicks) - [Announcer] Have you ever wondered where the television signal you're watching is coming from?

(theme song plays) (reel clicks) - Welcome to "True North."

(opening theme song plays) - Good evening and welcome to Maine One.

(theme song continues) (reel clicks) - Welcome to Maine Public's "From the Vault."

From "Made in Maine" to "Woods and Waters," Down East humor to traditional music, Maine Public Television has brought you countless stories about the people, places, and events taking place in Maine for the past 60 years.

This episode features a fan favorite, the legendary show, "In the Kitchen."

Now it's not a cooking program.

Maine humorist Kendall Morse would hold court with other legendary storytellers, including Marshall Dodge, Joe Perham, Bruce McGorrill as they regaled each other with classic Maine tales and anecdotes in Morse's kitchen.

Now Kendall's opening quip that, "Maine is God's country, but he doesn't spend the winter here," tells you all you need to know about what's ahead.

(horn blares) - Hello, I'm Kendall Morse.

About four or five years ago, the Maine Public Broadcasting Network produced a television series called "In the Kitchen."

This series showcased the talents of some of Maine's favorite humorists, and I was fortunate enough to be chosen as its host.

Today we would like to present to you a shortened version called "The Best of In the Kitchen."

(banjo music plays) (banjo music continues) Fall's coming to a close.

Leaves are gone.

Wood's in the shed.

Garden's all done.

Time to take a rest and see if I can survive another Maine winter.

By the time the snow gets halfway up over the windows and I look out over the drifts and see that the only thing left alive is one damned fool bird on his way south, I begin to wonder if I'm gonna make it.

Sure, this is God's country, but He don't spend the winter here.

(banjo music continues) Well, since I can't go south, I usually just sit around and hope a friend will drop by in the evening for a little story swapping.

'Bout the only thing you can say about these stories is that we seldom let the truth get in the way of a good laugh.

Well, as a fellow says, if you can't dance and it's too wet to plow, you can always go visiting.

I believe I'll stop in and see Bill Gagnon.

(banjo music continues) Well, I understand we're gonna have a moose season in Maine this year.

You ever done any moose hunting?

- Yes, I used to do some moose hunting up in Newfoundland and Labrador, but the last moose I shoot a few years ago weighed better than 1200 pounds and over two miles from the camp and I thought no more of that, so from now on, I just as soon watch it run around and I enjoy that no better than to have it in my freezer.

Yeah, I like the moose meat all right.

Oh, remind me, I heard a story about a moose.

I don't know, did you ever hear that?

This fellow from Hartford, Connecticut, he was a sport man and he wanted to go deer hunting, so he'd write a answer to advertise in a magazine to go up to Moosehead Lake and hunt, so he get a letter back two or three days behind that and it say the best time to come going to be the first of November, going to be open season that time, so he made reservation for that.

So when it comes to last day before November, he load all his stuff he got, pulled out in his automobile and he set off for Bangor.

Well he got so far as Portland and he sat for snow a little bit.

He didn't like that pretty good, but it didn't snow too hard enough, so he keep go.

When he gets to Bangor, it was snow hard like anything.

And he looked the map, he got it.

He got another 75 miles to Winthrop.

He says, "I got to try anyway," So he made the drive and he got to hard trouble.

The snow was blowing and drifting, and then, bang!

He got a flat rubber tire on that.

(Kendall laughs) He didn't like that pretty good.

It was snow hard, gee, got snow drift, everything.

So anyway, he get out and change that rubber tire.

He got a pump with it and pump it full of wind, get it all fixed up again.

He get in and made the drive.

Anyway, it was late.

It was more 12 o'clock in the night when he land up at the sport camp, so he pounded on the door and the boss man open the door and look say, "Hello, that's you?"

And the guy say, "I don't see somebody else, must be me."

(Kendall laughs) So he says, "Well come in."

He says, "Why you didn't come more early than that?"

"Well," he says, "I been all this time since yesterday, get up this place now.

It was hard travel."

"Well," he say, "you get ready.

I'm going to show you a bedroom and then I'm going to call you up at 4:00 in the morning and go hunt."

So it was about 2:00 in the morning now when he get ready and went to bed.

About 4:00, the boss man comes and say, "Get up now.

It's time to get up, get breakfast and go hunt."

So he get himself up, come downstairs and says, "Boy, it didn't take long to spend all night up this place."

So anyway, he eat some brand new second hand bean and biscuit, then the boss man say, "Going to be daytime in a little while now.

Day light is here, so I want you going to walk up the toll road and you're going to find some nice, fresh deer track because it just got done snow tonight and you follow those deer track and you're going to shoot the deers."

So he said, "Okay."

So he grabbed the gun and he got it and he walk up the toll road over more a half a mile, and (indistinct) find a nice, big, deer track.

Cock a big one.

Exactly the one I want.

So he made the site.

He put the cock on his gun, you know, and he said, "Follow those track," and he followed them all day that morning and come noon time and sat the rain.

It rain hard and he keep following (indistinct) by the tracks that get washed out a little bit and he didn't like that pretty good, and then he think he didn't know where he was, so he gotta get back to the cabin before dark.

So he turned around and he started to run back.

(indistinct) sat, get a little more dark and he'd go more fast (indistinct) just good and dark when he land on a toll road.

So anyway, he walk into camp and drag the gun by the muzzle.

He was all bush out and the boss man say, "You got something?"

He says, "No, he didn't.

I think I going to went back home."

"Look," he said, "I know you had a hard night last night and you didn't sleep very much, but he says, "You go upstairs, took a bath and come down and have good, hot supper.

And I'm going to give you a nice drink of whiskey before supper.

Tomorrow, you're going to get up rested and go get your deer and you're going to be happy after that."

So he went upstairs and changed his clothes, take a bath, everything.

He comes downstairs and he looked for that drink.

He wanted that, you know, boy, was drool.

So anyway, the guy get a fifth of whiskey in a little whiskey glass about that high, and he come over and he poured about a half inch in the bottom of the glass.

He says, 'Here, put that under your belt."

The guy looks, says, "How old is in that?"

The guy says, "I don't know, but I got it in this camp more than 20 years."

"Gosh," he says, "it's awful small for his age."

So anyway, he drink that and didn't took too long too, you know?

But then when he sit down and eat a good supper, baked bean and biscuit again, and when he get it all done, he stand himself up.

(Bill grunts) "My daughter went to bed, I guess, now I'll get ready."

And you look on the wall, gee, they got a great big moose's head hanging on the wall.

He look on that and he said to the boss man, "Did you shot that?"

And the guy said, "No, I didn't."

He says, "Why you get it?

Somebody give you that?"

"No, no," he says, "last fall," he said, "I was painting and do some work around the camp here."

He says, "And one night while I was painting the floor, I hear a noise and went and look and that moose got his face stick right in the window.

Gee, I was scared like anything.

I blow out the lamp and went to bed.

The next morning the mooses was gone.

But that night, he came back again.

He come back every night for about a week, there about 9:00 in the night.

And all at once one day, the game warden come by and I was told him about that.

And he said, 'Did you shot it?'

And I said, 'Oh no, you can't shot that.

It close season on it.'

'That's right.'

He said, "Look, you painted on it.

You must have some turpentine.'

'Oh yeah.

I got five gallon can of turpentine.'

When he said, "Look, you put some in a tin can tonight and you put that someplace where you can get it quick and if that moves, come back again, you grab that tin can, go to the window, and throw that on his face.

That's going to burn his eye and it smells so bad, he going to run away.

He ain't going to come back again.'

So the game warden left," he says, "and that night I was working around and sure enough, the moose come back again.

So I went over and grabbed that can of turpentine and I sneak up by the window" and he says, "I wind up and let it went.

And instead of hitting that moose in the face, he turned around quick, went the other way, and hit him right under the tail.

Then, boys didn't let that poor moose set to bellowing, snorting, blowing, scratched himself on the stone wall, and he ran around the cabin blowing, bellowing some more, pawing, back to the stone walls and scratch again.

And he keep going that way all night long, scratching himself, and the next morning," the guy says, "I went out to pick up the head and hang it up.

That's all they had left was in there."

(Kendall laughs) I don't know, did you hear that moose story or not?

- No, I never did.

- That's quite a story.

You know, a lot of places I go talk I told that story and they like that.

They like a lot of stories.

- There was another fellow from Hartford, Connecticut came up here to Maine, you know, to go deer hunting.

And he get into this hunting camp and there was a whole bunch of other hunters there.

And he was the newest man in the crowd.

And he'd never been in the woods before in his life, and it was dark.

He was scared of Maine woods, but it was his turn to go get a bucket of water.

Well, he didn't want to go, but he took that bucket anyway.

He went down to the pond to get a bucket of water for the camp.

Few minutes later, back he come and he took the door right off the hinges when he came in through and he was scared to death, his eyes was walled right out like two doorknobs.

And he'd lost the pail.

And the guide says, "What's the matter with you?"

"Well," he says, when he got his breath back, he says, "There's a bear in that pond."

"Well," the guide says, "Hell, that bear's as least as much afraid of you as you are of him."

He says, "Well, if that's the case, that water ain't fit to drink anyway."

- Oh boy.

This guy had an airplane.

And he was going to the airport flying around and he had enough so he come down and he land on the runaway and then he'd taxi cab up to the hang up and he'd go hang his, put his plane away and he started to walk over toward his automobile and he look, he see somebody was coming toward it.

He didn't know who it was, but he think he did.

Didn't look like somebody I used to know?

Who is it?

So when he get more near enough, it was the guy who thinks he is too, so they shake hands.

It was in the first World War, number two together, you know?

They shake hands and talk, reminisce about this, that, and something else.

And anyway, after a while the guy say, Harry, he says, "You like to fly?"

"No, no, not me."

He says, "You don't?"

"No."

"Boy, I like that," he says.

"I got a plane," he says, "Come on.

I'm going took you for a ride."

"Oh no," he says, "I don't.

I'm afraid of those things."

"Look, you don't want to be afraid of that.

One of the most safe thing they got in the world today, airplane.

Million of those things."

"Oh, gee, I don't know."

"Come on, come on, don't be chicken.

I'll take you for a little ride," he said.

"Won't be long, and I know you're going to like that."

Well, he coaxed him far enough anyway, so after a while he say, "Okay, going to try that."

So they both get in the airplane and they taxi cab out to the runaway and warm it up a little bit.

Didn't took too long.

It was already hot.

So when he started to wind it up and it (imitates vehicle whirring), take off.

And gee, (indistinct) easy went fly high in the sky and it was a nice clam day.

You know, the wind didn't blow.

She was pretty like anything.

They float along good and they keep talking.

Bumbai, they fly over Atlantic Field.

There was a football game going down that place.

So the pilot, he looked down, he said, "Harry, look, they got a football game going down that place.

Watch, we're going to have some fun with them."

so, he, (imitates plane motor) you make the dial again, go way down and almost on the ground.

And everybody, they run.

They think they're going to be a crack up, you know.

Gee, then you scoop up quick like that.

And he float up around and when he get away, "Hi again," he's there.

"How you like that, boys?

I bet you half the people down there in that place thought there was going to be an accident."

He said, "Half the people up in this place did have an accident."

(Kendall laughs) (banjo music plays) - You know, when the snow gets real deep around here, sometimes the only excitement you have is standing around watching the flies dying on the window sills.

But every once in a while, somebody like Don Tavernor will stop in for a visit.

- There were two brothers, down in Union Way and down in Knox County.

One very bright brother and one dull brother.

Some would call him stupid, but I think that's unkind.

But the bright brother was always stepping out ahead of the dull brother and whatnot, and one morning, they got up, and they started out to the woods, and the bright brother was out front and he was whistling away and stepping along and the dull brother was dragging behind him.

Finally he said, "Oh, hold it."

He said, "You see that?"

The dull brother says, "I didn't see nothing."

He said, "You didn't see that red fox go back over there?

He had a tail on him three feet long."

"I didn't see nothing."

So off they go again.

They're stomping away.

"Hold it," he says.

"You see that?"

"I didn't see nothing."

He says, "You didn't see that a little bear cub?"

He says, "Rolled up in a black ball?"

He says, "The size of a basketball.

Bear cub in there.

You didn't see it?"

"Didn't see nothing."

Go on a little further and "Whoop," he says.

"Did you see that?"

He says, "I didn't see nothing."

"You didn't see that package brush up to that tree there?"

He says, "Bring it through.

You see it?"

"Didn't see nothing."

It began to come through to the dull brother, he wasn't getting much out of this.

So the next time, goes, "Oh, hold it," he says, "stop you see that?"

He says, "Yup."

He says, "I saw it."

He says, If you saw it, why'd you step in it?"

(men laugh) A lot of stories I think around Maine tend to focus either on the town drunk or the town idiot.

Now I've known quite a few town drunks, but most of the town's, so-called town idiots I've known are pretty smart guys in their own way.

- [Kendall] On occasion.

- Yeah, we could emulate them to some degree.

Like the politician who was running for governor, got into one of these small Maine towns and he got up and he was waxing the forest and whatnot, and there's one guy in the crowd that kept hollering, "You're no good.

I wouldn't vote for you, you're no good.

You're a crook.

You're a crook.

We don't want you in that state house over there."

And after he got through with his speech, he turned to the chairman of the meeting and he said, "Who was that fella that kept insulting me and yelling at me like that?"

He says, "Oh, don't worry about him, he's the town idiot."

He says, "He just goes around and repeats what other people say."

(Kendall laughs) So, I also like the one about the so-called town idiot who hung around the hotel lobby, and when the salesman would come in and whatnot and they would tease him, and what they'd do, they'd put a dime and a nickel in the palm of his hand and they'd say, "Now you can have either one of these, which one do you want?"

And he'd take the nickel, take the big one because there's a little one and a big one, so he'd take the big one, the nickel.

Now the new salesman was a compassionate sort of guy and (indistinct) and he finally pull the fella over.

He says, "Look," he says, "they're making sport of you," he says, "and this isn't right at all," he says.

"The little one is a dime.

The big one's a nickel and the little one's worth twice as much as the big one, so take the little one."

"Oh no," the town guy says, "not me.

I did that once, and they don't want to play anymore."

(Kendall laughs) And then there was a town idiot was walking down the Main street, dragging a length of chain behind him, - [Kendall] Yeah.

- and one of the guys said, "Boy," he says, "Sam, you look pretty silly.

You're walking down dragging that chain."

And then he looked at him in the eye and says, "Do you ever try to push a chain?"

- Yeah.

- So that's some of the wisdom, I think, that can come out of a so-called idiot.

- Strange logic.

You ever hear the story about the two fellas that was in the old fashioned privy?

- No.

- And at the same time it was a two-holer, of course.

Well, one of them stood up, and when he stood up, he lost a handful of change down through the hole, so he starts peeling off his overalls, took out his wallet, and threw a $5 bill down the hole, and the other fella, you know, he's wondering what the hell this guy is up to.

So he says, "Hey," says, "what the hell are you doing?

You cracking up?"

The fella says, "No," he says, "I ain't cracking up.

You don't think I'm crazy enough to go down in there for a few cents worth of change, do ya?"

(Bill laughs) Might as well make the trip worthwhile.

- Yeah, worthwhile.

Well there was this very elderly couple up again in Franklin County.

He was, oh, in his late eighties and she wasn't far behind him in age, and he got very sick, and it didn't look like he was going to live, and he felt he was going to go, so he got his wife, Sarah, in to his bedside and he says, "Sarah," he says, "you've been an awful good wife to me, and I really appreciate it, but I think you ought to know that I'm probably not going to be with you much longer and I've had something on my mind and on my conscience for years, and I thought I better get it off and tell you, because I haven't always been totally faithful to you," he says, "I've strayed," he says.

"In fact, to be honest with you, I've strayed quite a bit, and every time I've had a little affair outside of this place," he says, "I cut a little notch in the back of the beam of the grandfather clock out there in the kitchen and it runs all the way down."

So I'll be doggone if he didn't pull through.

Three or four days later, he's back on his feet and going strong again.

Well, two or three years after that, she got sick, and it looked like she was not gonna make it, and so she called him in and she says, "(indistinct)," she says, "I remember now when you were sick there a couple, three years ago, and you told me that you had been indiscreet during our marriage and had all these affairs," and she says, "I gotta be honest with you too," she says, I haven't always been faithful.

I've been indiscreet too," she says, "and what I done," and she said, "I've kept a record so I could atone sometime."

And she said, "There's a bean pot out in the summer kitchen," she says, "behind the water tank, and every time I had an indiscretion, I put a bean in there and they're all there.

Well that is all except two quarts I gave to the church supper."

(men laugh) I got probably just a little stretch of exaggeration on somebody's part.

(banjo music plays) - Joe Perham came over the other night from West Paris.

He was telling me about this fellow that kept warm all last winter with one stick of wood.

Kept throwing it out through the window and then going after it.

Guess Joe ain't the only character in West Paris.

- Have you ever been to West Paris?

- I've been through there.

I never stopped.

- Well, you might have gone through there and not even realized it.

It's not the biggest town in the state of Maine, but we made the papers this last winter.

I don't think, two weeks went by, but the town of West Paris and the newspapers up here in Maine, all the way down New England, you see, we make clothespin's in West Paris.

You probably heard the Penley's Clothespin Mill.

- [Kendall] Yeah, you've been having trouble with tariff problems.

- Tariff Problems, you're right.

You know, they're making these cheap clothespins over in Romania, red China, and having all kinds of problems, one kind or another.

Well, as it works out, Washington got in on it.

You know, Albert Penley had been running that mill by himself for 40 years, but the last few years the government had been helping him out a lot, or they think they've been helping him out.

They sent four Congressman up, look the situation over.

They looked the mill over, you know, and they looked the wood over, one thing or another, and there was this one guy from Texas.

I don't know what name that man is, some Congressman from Texas.

He started criticizing the way they were doing things in West Paris.

He says, "You know," he says, "put this mill down in Texas.

We'd be putting out five times the clothespins you put up here and it'd probably only take two times the number of people."

He says, "You take your storage inventory building off to one side."

He says, "You can't build up enough stock to compete on the open market with a little place like that."

He says, "You know, we got outhouses down in Texas bigger than that," and oh well, but he looked at Congressman Coldstone in the eye and he says, "I guess you probably need them."

(Kendall laughs) - Well, you know, there was a fella from Maine was visiting down in Texas.

What he was doing down there, I don't know, but he was there and he was looking all around.

Across the country down there's a lot different.

They get strange things down there, strange to him.

- Never been in it.

- Well, he was looking around and he see this funny looking bird.

And he says to the Texan that owned that property, he says, "What kind of a bird is that?"

And the Texan, he swelled all up, you know.

He says, "That is a bird-of-paradise, and it will follow from Maine," he says.

"He's a long ways from home, ain't he?"

- (laughs) Yeah, he's a long way from home, is right.

- You know, that clothespin mill there, about three months ago, they sent a group of people up from Augusta to run the labor survey, and the asked Albert, "How many employees you got working at any time?"

"Well," Albert says, "about half of them."

(Kendall laughs) Now they asked him, "How many employees you got approaching retirement age?"

"Well," Albert says, "I don't know if we got any going the other way."

(men laugh) You know, every town, Kendall, has its slow fella?

- Oh yeah.

- I suspect a lot of towns have more than one, but usually they heap their humor up on a single individual.

We got a fellow like that in town, but I sometimes wonder who the slow fellow really is.

You know, they say things about him, like he's a few bricks shy of a load.

Oh, he'd been in the fourth grade for two terms, Hoover's and Roosevelt's.

You know, they tell about the time, and I guess this is true, about the time he bought this toupee, you know, and they slapped it on his head.

It's a beautiful thing, a black thing split right down the middle, you know, it fit just perfect.

He's walking out through the cow pasture and the wind blew it off, and they say he tried on six before he found the right one.

Well, they're always telling stories like that about him, but usually he comes out ahead, do you know what I mean?

They tell about this one time he went into Blacksmith shop up on Greenwood Road.

Hell, the blacksmith, he didn't like to have him around, you know, because he was always picking things up, you know, and rearranging them, looking at them, one thing or another.

Well he thought he'd put this hot horseshoe on top of the horseshoe pile, and he knew the guy would get there sooner or later, and well, he got that sooner, you know.

Of course it burned him a little bit and he dropped that horseshoe on the floor, and he says, "What's the matter, burn you?"

Well the slow fellow says, "Nope," he says, "it just don't take me long to look at a horse shoe."

(Kendall laughs) You remember The Depression days back in '32, I guess it was, when Franklin Delano Roosevelt was made President of United States?

He initiated his WPA, his Works Progress Administration.

I think it's something like the Cedar Operation that they have nowadays, and one thing they did was, they sent a fellow up to West Paris, and they hired a number of men who are otherwise unemployed and set them to work digging this big hole in the middle of town.

Well they didn't know what they were going to put in that hole, but that wasn't the purpose.

The purpose was to keep the men employed and occupied.

Eventually they put the West Paris gymnasium in the hole.

Well, they had just finished this gigantic excavation when this slow fella come by.

He looked at that big hole, and he says, "What you digging that hole for?"

Well, there's a fellow by the name of Bemis, you know, he was foreman of the operation, he thought he'd be smart.

"Well," he says, "we're going to take all the dumb fools in this town," he said, "and we're gonna bury them in that hole.

That's what we're digging it for."

Poor creature, you know, he stepped back and he looks at Bemis and he looks at that hole and he looks at those men, and he says, "Who are you going to get to cover him over?"

(Kendall laughs) I don't exactly know what he meant by that, but it seems to me, he kind of come out ahead.

You know, he seems to me that he kind of come out on top.

You don't have to look very far, incidentally, for Maine humorists.

Doesn't make any difference where you are, I came home here a few nights ago, and I got home rather late, and I asked if my youngest boy had gone to bed.

"Well," my wife says, "he just went up here a short while ago.

Maybe he's still still awake."

So I went up, you know, say goodnight to him.

I got up, there he was over on the other side of the bed, down on his knees.

Now I like to be a good example of my children, you know?

So I got down on my knees and I started praying too.

He looks across the bed, you know, and he says, "Whatcha doing, daddy?"

"Well," I says, "I'm doing the same thing you are, son."

"Well," he says, "mama's gonna be awful mad," he says, "there's only one pot in here."

- (laughs) Kids, you can't beat him.

- No, you can't.

- The other day I left my fiddle in the car and when I thought of it, we were out somewhere else.

I told my little girl, I said, "When we get home, you be sure and remind me to bring that fiddle in out of the car."

She's seven.

Well, she remembers that fiddle.

She said, "What's it doing in the car?"

And I said, "Well, I took it out and had it repaired."

She thought a couple of seconds and then she says, "Does it still squeak?"

- (laughs) Yeah.

Yeah, you say you can't beat kids, but you know, do you remember what the state legislature tried to do with us last winter?

- Among other things, what?

- Well, they were gonna enact a law, putting corporal punishment back into schools.

- Really?

- Sure.

Well, they're talking about that up in West Paris and, you know, about how much better a kid could learn, you know, if a teacher could give him a licking.

The consensus of opinion up there was, it probably it'd be a good rule.

Generally speaking, they figured that a kid would learn better, you know, if a teacher could lick him.

Well, that was all well and good, except that one of the Hadley boys didn't agree.

He says, "There's no value in a licking," says, "a licking never helped a kid learn."

He says, "I remember," he says, "the worst licking I ever got was for telling the truth."

"Well," Ed Cooley says, "you got to admit it cured you."

(men laugh) (banjo music plays) - Many years ago, the famous Humorous Lecture of Mark Twain, gave one of his lectures in Maine.

And through this whole, very humorous routine, he noticed that nobody was laughing, and he left that hall thinking that he'd been a complete failure as a humorous, but on the way out, he overheard a farmer telling his wife, he said to her, "Bessie, you know, that man was so funny, I had all I could do to keep from laughing."

I know how that old farmer felt the other night when Henry Hatch dropped in.

(banjo music continues) - That's pretty good.

- Every time I look at the teabag, I think of my uncle.

- How's that?

- Well, he said his great grandmother was at the Boston Tea Party.

She was the first bag they threw overboard.

(Henry laughs) - I'll let that cool a minute.

- Okay.

- I got to tell you a story about old Kale, I guess.

Let me start out with another character.

Oren Peldham was Second Assistant Engineer on Fleischmann's yacht, The Camargo, and that was one of the few yachts that stayed in commission during The Depression, because he went on world tour.

They were tied up in Newport News for overhaul one fall, so Oren didn't have too much to do.

He took the train over to Washington to see his brother, Homer.

Well, of course they had to do the sights, which included the Washington Monument, and looked it all over, rolled up, inside, looked down, so on, and Homer asked, "Oren, what do you think of that?

Quite a pinnacle, isn't it?"

"Well," he said, "probably for Kale.

Could have had that to practice on, he'd have learned to fly."

"Well," he said, "what are you talking about?"

"Well," he said, "you know, old Kale, the next door neighbor back home, in Maine."

"Oh yes."

"Well, he thought he could fly, so we spent all one winter whittling out a pair of wings.

Come spring he climbed up on the barn and jumped off the tie up with his wings, but he hit the ground pretty hard.

Someone asked him what the trouble was, and he said, well, he didn't have too much time to practice on the way down.

(Kendall laughs) Now, if he could have started from the Washington Monument, he'd have had considerable time to practice and he probably would have learned to fly."

- (laughs) Didn't have time to practice.

There's a lot of stories about people falling off of barns.

Does it happen that often?

I've only known of it really happening maybe a couple of times, but there's a lot of stories about it.

Like the old fellow that was 90 odd years old, and fell off the barn roof, and you know, the old story that when you're going to die, your whole life flashes before your eyes?

Well they drug him in the house and he was pretty near unconscious, but he was in and out of consciousness.

They determined that he was all right, so somebody said to him just as an after the start, they said, "John, tell me when you fell off that roof like that, did your whole life pass before your eyes?"

He says, "Oh Lord, no, I only fell 10 feet."

(Henry laughs) Probably not time for 90 years to go by, I suppose.

- Seems most of these stories have been about the coast and seafaring, so I'll have to tell you one about woodwork, logging.

And this took place back in the days before chainsaws and skidders, such things.

Men went to work in the woods then with axes.

An ax now, never see in the woods, except maybe to split a little kindling wood, something like that.

Well these two fellows were working together, one cold morning in January.

They had each fall on the tree and there was each lemon.

Of course they had double bitted axes, kept them just like razors.

They were each (indistinct) on a separate tree, about 20 feet apart.

One fella got a little snow on his chopping mitts, kind of glazed over a little bit and made it slippery, the handle of the ax.

So he took a healthy swipe at this limb, over struck, the handle snapped out of his hands, the ax flew across this intervening space and hit his buddy right in the neck, sliced his head off just as clean as a whistle.

Well, the fellow that threw the ax, he felt kind of bad about it, in fact, they both did, but he hurried over and grabbed his head, and stuck it back on his neck, padded little snow, made a little snow collar around it.

It seemed to work pretty good.

Felt a blank a little bit, and felt a little dizzy, he said, but aside from that he was all right, so they kept on working the rest of the morning and they were quite handed at the cookhouse, so they went into dinner, walked into the cook shack.

Well they were hot in the cook shack and this collar of snow he had around his neck began to melt a little bit and kind of loosen up.

Well he put quite a charge of pepper on his beans and got some of it up his nose and made him sneeze.

And when he sneezed (sneezes) his head snapped off, rolled across the camp floor, and hit a hemlock nod, (indistinct), killed him dead on the pump handle.

- (laughs) Jeez.

(banjo music plays) - I don't know about this hunting in the daytime.

Where I come from down in Washington County, we used to hunt deer at night.

What we'd do is find a clearing where the deer used to tend and we'd get up in the tree with a headlight and a rifle, then deer would come out in the clearing, you shine a light on them, of course all you could see was their eyes.

You'd just aim between their eyes.

Well, they wised up after a while, had to give that up.

They got so smart, got to where they'd come out in the field still, but the minute you shine a light on them, every one of them deer would close one eye.

Of course I ain't deer hunting today.

I'm after rabbits.

Only got one bullet.

I decided I was going to try to top Marshall Dodge in the story he told me the other night.

You gonna do any hunting this year?

Rabbit season is open full on.

- Well, you know, I'm not much on hunting.

I figured a long time ago I might as well just quit while I'm ahead.

The first time I ever went hunting, I had the damnedest luck.

I asked Henry Bill, I think it was, if he'd come over and show me how to shoot a gun.

I'd never shot one before.

And he brung over an old rusted out '22.

It was a squirrel gun with two rounds of ammunition.

And he said, "Now Marshall," he said, "you see them tracks at your feet?"

He said, "Them is rabbit tracks, and at the end of them is your breakfast."

"Well," I said, I thought you were going to show me how to shoot this gun."

"Well," he said, "the experience is the best teacher.

Now go to it."

And he clapped me over the back, and I staggered off into the woods.

I looked back, I could see he was laughing up a storm.

He knew I'd be hollering for him before too long.

Well, I hadn't gone more than 100 yards when I come to the side of a big Oak tree, and in a branch of that tree was 12 wild turkeys, so I fired at the base of the branch.

I split that branch right in two.

Turkeys legs fell in between, the branch snap back together again, and held them turkeys fast.

Now I tore that branch off the side of the tree, put it over my shoulder and struck off into the woods, following them rabbit tracks.

Well, now I hadn't gone more than another 100 yards when I come to the side of a hill, and I must say I was some scared, 'cause I heard an awful roaring sound.

And I looked down the hill and it was a bear coming up after me, and I heard a screeching and a yowling, and I looked up the side of the hill and it was a mountain lion coming down after me.

- [Kendall] Godfrey.

- Well, I determined to take the bear on first.

He was closer to, and he was too close for me to get off that last round at him.

Couldn't fire, and he was right under the gun there.

He comes so close that all I could think to do was to shove my hand right into his mouth.

That stifled him some, but it didn't slow him down.

He kept coming, so my arm slid right down his throat.

He kept coming and I just pushed my hand right through his intestines, first upper, and then lower, right like that, right 'round.

So he kept coming and my hand come right out the other side.

Now I reached up, grabbed a hold of that bear's tail and I gave one hell of a yank, pull that bear right inside out.

Now of course that bear kept going, but it was in the other direction.

Well now at just that moment, the mountain lion, who was almost on me, he stopped dead in his tracks.

We both heard a howling.

It was a pack of wolves closing in on the two of us.

Now I looked at the mountain lion and he looked at me and we figured that whatever our differences was, we'd better take the wolves on fast.

Now there was a great, tremendous battle.

And inside of 10 minutes, all them wolves was killed.

I looked at the mountain lion and he looked at me, and we figured that whatever our trouble was, it was over.

And well, he turned on his heels, walked back up the mountain and I turned on my heels, walked down the mountain, following them rabbit tracks.

Now I hadn't gone more than another 100 yards when I come to the side of a stream, and I was about to ford that stream when I spied two foxes on the opposite bank, and I couldn't ford the stream because they was mean foxes, and I knew they was going to bite me if they could, so I drew a beat on them.

I aimed in between not knowing which one to fire at.

I was about to squeeze off the last round when I heard a honking sound and I looked up overhead and there was 12 wild geese heading south, and I heard a quacking.

It was 12 wild ducks heading south.

I was so tempted to fire at them birds, but, "I better take them foxes on first," I said to myself, so I squeezed off the last round, aiming at the foxes, and now the gun exploded in the face.

I told you it was rusted out and the butt of the gun flew north and knocked down all 12 of the geese, the barrel of the gun flew south and skewered all 12 ducks, and the bullets sped true to its mark, struck a rock, split it in two and killed both boxes.

Now the kick of that explosion was such as to knock me into the stream behind, and when I come to my right hand was on an otter's head and my left hand was on a beaver's tail, and my trouser pockets were so full of trout that a button popped off my fly and killed a rabbit.

- God.

- Now you may not believe that.

That was beginner's luck, and I figured that I might just as well quit while I was ahead, and I've never hunted since.

- Wow.

You know, you mentioned bear.

I had an experience with a bear one time, too.

I was picking blueberries and all of a sudden this old, big, she bear rose right up, right up in front of me, let out a hell of a roar.

I took off running and I run as hard as I could.

And I looked back and the bear was still there, and I run for miles.

- [Marshall] Running after you.

- She was after me.

Well, this went on, as I say quite a little while.

You know, the only way I could get clear of that damn bear after a while was to run across the ice that had just frozen over just a little bit, and it was just enough to hold my weight, but that bear weighed four or 500 pounds and it wouldn't hold her, and she fell through the ice, and I got away.

- Now, wait a minute.

You said you was blueberrying?

- Yeah.

- And that would have to be in the summertime, and then you come to the ice, and that would have to be in the winter time.

Now that just don't make no sense.

- Oh, I just forgot to mention that damn thing chased me from the middle of the summer 'till Christmas.

- God, Kendall.

Sometimes, you know, I find it awful hard to believe you.

- (laughs) I was just thinking the same thing about you.

(banjo music plays) (reel clicks) The other night, my friend Bruce McGorrill, who is a traveling salesman, stopped by.

We sat around swapping stories 'till almost 9:30.

Well, I see you're back from your selling trip.

Tell me, anything interesting happen while you was gone?

- Well, it's always interesting when you get out of town, because you find so many people have either been born and brought up in Maine or their grandfathers came from Maine, or they spent the summers in Maine, and they all have something they want to tell you.

Either it's their grandfather's joke or an experience that happened to them last summer.

One fellow, just the day before yesterday was telling me that when he was here last summer, he had to do that thing that everybody has to do when they come to Maine.

They ask direction, and you know, the old saw, you can't get there from here type of thing, but he stopped and inquired and you know, how to get to East Baldwin, and the answer he got was, "That's simple."

He said, "About all you've got to do is go down the road 'till you come to the old schoolhouse," he says, "You turn around the yard, come back a half a mile and take a left."

And the fellow said, "Well, you know, thanks a lot, but wouldn't it be easier if I went down the road a half a mile and took a right?"

And the fellow says, "No, 'cause you'd miss it."

(Kendall laughs) So you know, he had to tell me that, and you know, those direction things just go on and on and on.

- You hear them all over the country, I imagine.

- All over, and I don't know what it is about people in Maine, but they just enjoy giving directions.

A neighbor of mine last November, and you know what happens in November.

Here in the state, you got that sight, that sort of generic domain, which consists of one Massachusetts station wagon, and inside it, four men, and outside it, four deer, two bear, nine Christmas trees and some vows come out the end, (Kendall laughs) you know, and this neighbor of mine was telling me that he got stopped by just one sight such as that last November, and they inquired, they said, "Excuse me, but can we take this road to Boston?"

And the neighbor said, "Why not?

You've taken about everything else."

(Kendall laughs) Wherever you go the direction story keeps keeps coming back as something that I guess we do particularly well, 'cause it makes sense to our folk.

- Oh yeah.

- You know, Roger Woodcock down at the state house, he stopped me one time.

He said, he thought he'd heard about all of them because working for state government, you know, you're bound to hear all of those directions things that go around, but he'd been up to Vermont, or as they say up there in the Northeast kingdom, the Mont, you know, and he had to ask directions and the answer he got was that simple.

Says, "Bout all you got to do is go down past the IGA and the Texaco station, and it's about a half a mile this side of the bridge.

(Kendall laughs) So yeah, going out of town is really, what's good about it is, that it makes you appreciate coming back, but you always run into folk that that say, "Gee, you're from Maine," and then they want to tell you a story.

- [Kendall] Oh, sure.

Have you been seeing that new sign they've got up to the church, the Bald Hill Baptist Church?

- God, I, - No.

"Well, (laughs) you haven't been by that road," he said, "I get a kick out of it because it's one of those signs you see outside a lot of them churches.

The great big one says 'The end is near.'"

Well I got an uncle that joined the church and the first thing they did was ask him to sign a five-year pledge.

Up there a couple of Sundays ago, (indistinct) how they're going to pass the collection plate a second time.

It seems the deacons had met on Saturday night and decided it was time to spruce up the church, and the first thing they're going to do is put in a new chandelier.

Now, when they pass that collection plate the second time, the parson asked the folks to put in an extra dollar to get it off to a good start, you know.

Well when the service was over and the folks were passing out through the door, why, Toby Benson stopped the parson, and he said, "Parson," he said, "I just want to tell you, I didn't put an extra dollar in the plate today."

And he said, "You didn't, Toby?"

He says, "No, no, and I had three reasons why.

First one was, I didn't have an extra dollar today, and the second one was, if you got that there chandelier, I don't think you've got no one in the congregation knows how to play it," he said, "and third, if you're gonna spruce up the church, it's about time you fix the damn lights."

(Kendall laughs) Toby always had an answer for most anything.

- Well, you know, you mentioned out-of-staters and bad directions and all.

Seems to me that quite often ministers become the butt of many jokes up around here, too.

- [Bruce] Oh, they sure do.

They sure do.

- You heard about that young minister that took the job way out in the little town, and he was fresh out of school, and he got out there this morning and he looked all around, and nobody in the church, but him and the one farmer, so he don't know what to do, being fresh out of school.

He goes down to the old farmer and he says, "Look, you're the only one here and it don't look like anyone else going to show up, so you want me to go ahead and preach anyway?"

Well, of course you know the old Down East-er.

(indistinct) you're straight.

- Right.

- No.

He says to the minister, he says, "Well, if I took a load of hay down to pasture and only one cow showed up, I'd feed her.

So the minister, he stands up there and he preaches a full length two-hour sermon.

When he get all done, he said to the farmer, he says, "Well, what'd you think of my sermon?"

And he didn't learn his lesson even, the old farmer, he couldn't answer him direct again.

He says, "Well, if I took a load of hay down to pasture and only one cow showed up, I wouldn't give her the whole load.

- (laughs) You know, you've been up through Passadumkeag.

- Yeah.

- Well, about 60 miles due north, into the woods.

These two fellows, named Albert and Sam, got a two-man lumbering operation.

Now they trade down at the trustworthy store there in Passadumkeag, but coming out of the woods at 60 miles, they only come out every year, year and a half, and being into civilization as much as Passadumkeag is, why, they're somewhat naive about what's going on in the world, and the proprietor there at the trustworthy store.

He likes to josh them an awful lot because they are so naive.

Well, this particular day, Albert's there all by himself and he's got the wagon and he's getting loaded up in the goods and all, and in the course of the conversation, he says to the proprietor, he says, "How is that fellow Peterson doing for us down in Augusta?"

And the proprietor says, "Well, he ain't there no more, you know."

Says, "He ain't?"

He said, "No, sir," said "county elected new man last time around name of Nado."

He said, "They did?"

He said, "Absolutely, what's more he's a Catholic boy."

He said, "He is?

Why, that's the first one we've ever had, isn't it?

He said, "Sure is, and they say down in Augusta he's putting holy water in the toilets."

He says, "You don't say."

I said, "I sure do."

And he says, "Wait 'till I get back and tell Sam."

So he loads up the wagon with the goods and all and off, he goes into the woods, and five or six days later, he runs into Sam.

He says, "Sam," he says, "you'll never believe what I heard down at the general store.

They say that fellow, Peterson ain't down at Augusta no more."

Says, "He ain't?"

Said, "No, sir, the county elected new man last time around, name of Nado."

Said, "They did?"

He said, "Absolutely, what's more, he's a Catholic boy."

Says, "He is?

Well that's the first one we've ever had, isn't it?"

Said, "Sure is.

And they say down at the general store, he's putting holy water in the toilet."

He says, "You don't say?"

I said, "Sure do."

He says, "Albert," he says, "what's a toilet?"

He says, "Don't ask me, Sam, I ain't Catholic."

(Kendall laughs) You can find those religion stories all over the state.

- Oh yeah.

(banjo music plays) You know, I'd like to ask Bruce if that salesman in that story was actually him, and I doubt he'd did admit it even if it was.

(banjo music continues) - [Announcer] All fantasy aside, Bruce McGorrill was in fact not a traveling salesman.

Bruce is the General Manager of WCSH television in Portland, Maine.

He's also a noted Maine humorist, who has two albums to his credit.

(banjo music continues) (banjo music continues)