(somber music) - Hi, it is January 26th, 2013.

And it is six years since I was last diagnosed, (Jenn chuckling) first diagnosed.

Okay, let's rew (somber music) Why can't I die the way I want t (somber music) I'm 43 years old.

I don't want to be taken care of by somebody who's 20 years old and they have to change my diaper.

I have a right to that choice and that means death with dignit If I get to a certain point, I would love to be able to say g and then go to sleep, just like we do for our animals.

No, it's not the same thing, but Why can't it be the same kind of We treat our animals like we do our family members, sometimes even more so we care for them even more and we wouldn't let them suffer.

So why is it okay that other human beings should suffer?

(somber music) I'm willing to go to the very en but when it gets to the point where I'm not in my body anymore and I'm just breathing and having a feeding tube or whatever it is, that's not living for me.

That's not quality of life.

(water bubbling gently) There is nothing like that.

(somber music) I was so empowered when I woke up from my meditation, what the visual was, was that I saw myself going into the chemo chair once again because they have these chairs that you sit in.

Going through the chemo chair and pulling my hair out because I'm so upset that I have to do this.

That there's no way I'd rather pull my hair out one by one or scratch my eyes out.

Because the thought of even just sitting in that chair and doing it again was so overwhelmingly horrible and horrific that I couldn't do it.

I felt the lump and it didn't go right away.

It had gone into my lymph nodes.

And so they said you qualify for a clinical trial, which is very heavy duty chemo, three chemos at once, more sessions than usual.

I said, "okay, if I'm gonna it, I'm going to do it hard.

I'm gonna really go after it and attack it."

So I did, it was hell, but maybe I still have to do this.

I don't know.

I don't know.

This is panic and I am okay.

Let's just look at it.

What would it feel like if I didn't do anything?

To just not do chemo?

So I laid there again and it was like this joy just came over me and my body.

I felt it sigh.

It was like this big... (Jenn sighing) (somber music) My body was saying, I'm done.

There's no way I can go through this again.

And my mental health was so wond and just amazing and the best I've ever felt in my life.

To risk losing that was just not a possibility.

A full moon.

You can think its pretty close a (utensils clattering) I knew I had to tell my family.

I was like, "oh no."

(Jenn chuckling) (somber music) So I had my therapist with me.

I had this family meeting and I had to say, "Look, I know in my soul and my cells in my body, that this is what I need to do."

(somber music) People were thinking of saying, "You're giving up or you're not trying hard enough."

And it's like, I want to say F-you.

I am fighting for my quality of (somber music) I am fighting every day to have the quality of life that I want and I think I deserv (somber music) Stewie (somber music) Watching the morning doves.

(somber music) I know they don't blame me for having cancer.

It feels that way, like I'm causing this pain all around me.

And I just want to tell people, "You know, it's a beautiful thing.

It's okay.

I'm all right."

Just keep it real.

(somber music) Love me.

(somber music) I'm not afraid to die, but I don't want to say goodbye to all my friends and family.

I just don't understand sometimes the way things work.

Like why?

why now?

Why couldn't it wait just a couple more years where I can really be happy and show my photography and bam, it comes and I just, there's a universal power out th And when my boyfriend died, we fell in love and we were just gonna start a new life and then boom, he's gone.

And then I just, it's like these upheavals, I don't understand.

I don't get.

The timing of things, I'm trying to understand it.

(somber music) Sometimes I just want to put that badge away and hang up the badge that says, And I just put it up there for a and not deal with it anymore.

And that label, because I'm still a person.

This morning I went to the beach with a friend of mine and cried and cried and then I j "Okay, let's be here."

Just try to be in the moment.

It's just riding this wave.

It's just a really exhausting journey sometimes, but I'm still grateful that I'm And I know, there are people out that are struggling so much more than I am.

We all have our pain and my pain right now is physica it's emotional, it's spiritual.

There's also a lot of beauty.

How much time do I have?

I don't know.

It's like I have this time bomb inside of me.

And I don't know when it's gonna What will happen is that I'll have more and more drugs as the pain increases.

I'm in pain right now, but it's manageable and they will increase my meds.

And then I'll become more and mo and I'll be sleeping all the tim And then I just don't eat or drink anymore.

And so the morphine gets higher and makes me more comfortable.

So they make me comfortable enough to be able to sleep.

And then I will starve to death and I will stop drinking and eating, and that's how I die.

I feel like, how is that okay?

And how is that much different than drinking a prescription drug versus having morphine, all these other drugs in you any I feel like there's not a huge d And in one way, you have this di I am a person that is always been independent.

And since I was young, I was a latchkey kid.

I just always had.... (cat scratching) - [Interviewer] What's that?

- That's my cat scratching his.. Stewie, scratching his little bo He likes to sit on.

He must make sure it's comfy enough before he sits on.

(both laughing) But I just feel like just having that choice is so important to m I am so ready to go anytime.

Today is April 25th, 2013, and let's see.

(somber music) I'm still feeling like I'm a 100 or 1000% sure that I have made the right decision to not go on chemo or any other kind of Western med other than painkillers, which I am on that keep me from having excruciating pain.

I've had my levels go up pretty with a lot of the drugs.

So it is affecting my mood.

It's affecting how much I eat, but a lot of that is due to the So I'm not eating as much because the cancer is just growi The pain has increased quite a bit and I could feel it.

And most of my back and my chest my memory isn't as good as it us And it feels a little like I'm going through dementia, which is strange, which I don't know for sure.

I've never gone through dementia but it has that essence about it I'm not that person anymore and it really sucks.

It's hard to not say yes to ever Be able to say, "Yes, I want to see you."

And take it personally, but most people of course are understanding, but it's just seeing the changes in myself.

It's hard.

(somber music) I need help to do things now with the hospice care.

it's just, I'm seeing a lot of changes and it's not me.

(somber music) The quality of life is just chan and it's scary and it's frustrat But if I let go, if I can actually make myself le and then I do find some peace.

So it's trying to just find acceptance around that.

Why?

Why am I still here?

Is there a purpose for me being Is there still a reason?

And I try, I guess that's what gets me through the night, but there's been times when I think, you know, I just tell myself, Let me go.

Let me go now because I'm gonna be a burden on my family.

I'm gonna be a burden on my frie And I don't want to do that.

My body is what is dying, not my That we have a soul and a spirit and a body, and that our body, the physical body is dying and we will go back into the soi into what I call mother earth and that our soul will continue (somber music) Maybe I'm still here because someone else needs to hear something from me.

(somber music) Peeping at my window looking at that I love, it has little tiny blooms coming out and that's just lovely.

(somber music) (Jenn laughing) (somber music) A lot of adults, we just don't take time to play anymore.

Last few years, I've really trie (somber music) Dancing in the wind.

(Jenn chuckling) It goes pretty high too.

I wanted to do this since I was I remember just waiting.

I was like, "No, I got to get the right kite.

No, I got to get the $800 kite.

No, I gotta."

But I woke up and I said, "Nope, dammit, I'm gonna get a drugstore kite and that's the way it's gonna be Here it is.

(somber music) What's on your bucket list, Jenn what's on your bucket list?

And I did that.

I swam with the dolphins and I'd love to meet Michael Fra Of course, that would be wonderf But what really matters is relat and love and connection.

No matter who it is.

Experience love, that's all I want to do.

Right Stewie?

Yes.

That's what it's all about.

♪ To relay the same information - This guy gives me love every day, every day.

(somber music) ♪ Standing side by side ♪ (somber music) ♪ Some are saying, you won't mak - At least I got six years and I am grateful for that.

And I've had a lot of beautiful, wonderful memories and experiences in these last si especially the last three or fou Just incredible that I'll never And I'll bring with me to wherever I go next.

So, very grateful, even on this day, that's a bee.

♪ How's the sun then setting?

♪ (somber music) ♪ How's the sky been looking ♪ ♪ Around your house tonight?

♪ ♪ I wonder if what I am seeing ♪ ♪ Will ever make it to your sigh (somber music) (water splashing)